La Resignada

i tell myself at least twice a day how much i hate myself.

i’ve been passed over, kicked out, and forgotten by the person who means absolutely everything in my life.  not even a backwards glance, nothing.  i feel like maybe i always knew it would happen, yet i stood by keeping my hopes of and let it happen to me.  like reading a book i’ve read before and hoping the story will change for the better, that my favorite character won’t die, and that the guy will choose the right girl, the one who wasn’t deceitful and just loved him.  but the story doesn’t go that way.  the good one gets passed up and withers away being forgotten.  and the others go merrily on, and end badly too.

i hate those stories. i like happy ending, i like fairly tales.  its why i always keep going, because i think life can be a fairy tale, but i suppose fairly tales only happen if both people believe in them.  and in that i’m alone.  i’ve always been alone.  and it must be my fault, attracted to the sad, the hopeless, and the faithless because i feel like i can bring the joy i feel into them, show them love.  i’m still the little kid who finds a wounded bird and wants to rescucitate it, but my parents always told me they would die, yet i would try my hardest to love them and nurse them to health, but their hearts always gave out.  i’m just incapable of it.  and it breaks my heart every time.

right now i feel so broken, so sad, so utterly devoid of joy i can’t stand it.  i can’t stand holding back my tears all the time.  its painful and i can feel all of me slipping away.  i can’t feel myself anymore.

how come i never see things for how far gone and hopeless they are?  people are supposed to keep hope alive, but at some point it seems to do more harm than good.  i’ve been harming myself so long, and even knowing this its hard to completely let go.  i wish i was a stronger person who could make my own decisions and changes in my life without having to be thrust into situations.  i love myself, but do i love myself enough to end the cycle of hurt and stand up for myself.  based on my own personal life history, the answer would be no.  but people do grow, and learn lessons,  of course that brings the whole thing full circle, if it’s possible for me to change parts of me i wish i could, then is it possible as well that the original problems are hopeless and that they might change as well? 

where are the answers? when will it be my time?